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A friend of mine works for the government, for his sins (although to be fair, his main sin is working for the government), and came across the first draft of the following mailout in a bin in the communities department: Hi! Caroline Flint here! Well, what a whirlwind half-handful of days it鈥檚 been since I became minister for housing. I鈥檝e certainly been very busy making announcements and decisions. Some people have said to me, 鈥淗ey! Caroline Flint! Don鈥檛 you think it鈥檇 be a good idea to familiarise yourself with the complicated and sensitive brief you鈥檝e been handed so that you don鈥檛 make rash or overly politically motivated decisions whose adverse effects could be felt for decades to come?鈥�

This is a valid point, and that is exactly why I鈥檝e asked my secretary to send me a text every two minutes so that I can have a pretext to run off somewhere urgent if anybody makes it to me.

I鈥檓 a doer, not a thinker. (鈥淒on鈥檛 dream it, be it鈥� 鈥� that鈥檚 my motto. I think it鈥檚 from Socrates, but on the other hand it might be The Rocky Horror Show. I always get those two mixed up. They鈥檙e basically both about men in frocks, aren鈥檛 they?) And I鈥檝e certainly spent most of my time doing and not thinking since Gordon gave me my role. When I鈥檝e not been telling people who live in council houses to get a job in the kind of speech that would make Norman Tebbit turn to his neighbour and whisper 鈥淥oh hey, come on now, that鈥檚 a bit much,鈥� I鈥檝e been getting Middle England het up by making them think that I鈥檓 about to let Consolidated Robber Barons Inc tarmac over their favourite badger-watching spot in the name of eco-towns.

So, if you鈥檙e someone who鈥檚 confused or upset by these eco-town proposals, or just one of the many other groups of people that we in politics would rather not talk to in person, here is a special FAQ put together by me 鈥� Caroline Flint! 鈥� to help you.

Hey! Caroline Flint! What exactly are eco-towns? Good question. It鈥檚 quite simple. Imagine a Venn diagram of two sets, one which represents all things 鈥渆co鈥� and one which represents all things 鈥渢owns鈥�. Everything that falls into the 鈥渘鈥� intersection of this diagram (everything that is both 鈥渆co鈥� and 鈥渢own鈥�) is an eco-town.

Yes but, Caroline Flint!, what actually are they? That depends. They vary according to the specific proposal, apparently. Some are 30-year-old plans for brutalist dormitory gulags on which the developers have drawn the recycling symbol a couple of times and been careful to say 鈥渞enewable resources鈥� in every third paragraph, whereas others envisage entire populations living in bivouacs on a hillside and recycling their own sewage into cooking bricks. At least, that鈥檚 what one of my advisers told me, but he had this funny look in his eye and his voice was oddly high.

Is it really possible, Caroline Flint!, to build carbon-neutral housing? Oh, definitely. I saw it on Grand Designs once. I鈥檓 not sure exactly how they do it, but I Sky Plus-ed the last half of the programme, so I鈥檓 pretty confident I can be up to speed on it by the time anyone asks any questions in Cabinet. I mean, I do remember that the wife who was project managing it nearly had a breakdown and that Kevin McCloud kept wondering if the building was ever going to be finished and then walking out of shot, but I鈥檓 pretty certain that I can learn from her mistakes and since we鈥檙e making whole towns, I鈥檓 hoping we鈥檒l get a discount for bulk.

Sounds great, Caroline Flint! What kind of radical new housing ideas can we expect? Well, to be honest, I鈥檓 not quite across all the details yet, but I was shown a promotional video of a sort of grassy dome in some fields with all these rabbits and flowers nearby. There was this big shower head thing that kept poking out of the ground and telling people what to do, which I thought was a nicely New Labour touch. Ideally this housing is designed to accommodate four people: One purple one, one green one, one yellow one and a red one. So not only is it eco-friendly, it鈥檚 multicultural, too. Electoral boxes ticked, I think. Of course, it won鈥檛 all be grassy domes. There have been some fantastic eco-homes in the King鈥檚 Cross area where people have been living for some time in housing made from old cardboard boxes. I asked my adviser what PPP was behind this but his voice went all high again and he started twitching and muttering something about council tenants without jobs.

Well, that鈥檚 about all I know so far, but as soon as I鈥檝e learned more I鈥檒l either write a new FAQ or, more likely, get moved to health.