黑洞社区

Come Dine With Me is a television programme in which, over the course of a week, several contestants take it in turns to throw their idea of the perfect dinner party. Unfazed by their glaring social inadequacies, they snipe constantly, secretly score one another, and compete to win a 拢1,000 prize. As the gatherings get more and more ill-tempered, viewers sit at home and idly speculate which of the chefs will be the first to swap the baking soda for the rat poison.

The construction industry, in comparison, is a happy world of cheery collaboration, fist bumps and group hugs. But what would happen if you mixed the two 鈥� in other words, threw some of the industry鈥檚 finest ingredients into the cauldron of a dinner party? 黑洞社区 opened up its store of contributors, took a sustainability consultant (Cyril Sweett鈥檚 Isabel McAllister), added a QS (Gleeds senior partner Richard Steer), dropped in a construction lawyer to spice things up (Cameron McKenna鈥檚 Rupert Choat), tossed in a few guest judges to taste, and gave it a stir.

We began on a Friday evening, chez Richard 鈥�

Friday

Location Richard鈥檚 cosy yet luxurious Victorian house in Balham, south London
Mystery judge Steve McGuckin, managing director of programme and project management, Turner & Townsend
Extra guests Richard鈥檚 entourage, comprising his partner Wan, his spin doctor Julian Barlow and the au pair, Lynn, who looks after Dotty and Pickles, the Steer household鈥檚 dog and cat. Two waitresses served dinner, but Steer insists they did none of the cooking.

The diners begin the evening with a glass of champagne in front of a roaring fire in Richard鈥檚 living room. Richard鈥檚 partner Wan confirms that he has indeed cooked the meal himself. 鈥淗e鈥檚 been shopping and preparing the food for two days,鈥� a bemused Wan says, adding that this is the first time in six years that Richard has cooked 鈥渁nything other than toast鈥�. Not a comforting thought for those of us about to sample his culinary efforts. But we plough on regardless, into the first course, which is an immaculately presented simple red pepper soup. Conversation turns to how sustainable the meal is. 鈥淓verything鈥檚 been locally sourced,鈥� Richard declares, 鈥渁part from the booze. I draw the line at English wine.鈥�

鈥淚 could actually tell you the carbon footprint of every course,鈥� offers sustainability expert Isabel, 鈥渂ut I won鈥檛 bore you 鈥︹�� A few moments later and we鈥檙e on to Dubai鈥檚 algae problem. Apparently, it can turn Dubai鈥檚 waters bright blue, green and even vermilion, a fact that leaves everyone staring uncertainly into their bright red soup. Nonetheless it鈥檚 polished off with gusto and we鈥檙e on to the main course 鈥� a hearty serving of lamb and veggies.

Before dessert, Richard decides it鈥檚 time to introduce his secret ingredient 鈥� a performance poet who goes by the name of 鈥淭he Judge鈥�. We鈥檙e invited to give three words, which he鈥檒l fit into a poem. Steve suggests football, sex and church, adding that these are activities 鈥淚 usually do in that order鈥�.

Isabel seems impressed (with the poet rather than Steve) and starts to fret over how to compete when it鈥檚 her turn to host 鈥� she lives out in a 鈥渘ormal鈥� house in Walthamstow, E17, a district to which the others have probably never been. 鈥淢aybe the answer is to get everyone shit-faced and go down the local kebab?鈥� she suggests.

At this stage, Rupert confesses he鈥檒l be 鈥渆r, outsourcing the cooking鈥� 鈥� in other words, getting his firm鈥檚 catering team on the job. Cue accusations of betrayal and mutterings about 鈥渃heating lawyers鈥� all round. As Rupert pleads that 鈥渁part from the outsourcing it will be a beautiful, genuine experience鈥�, we鈥檙e distracted from the controversy by the arrival of a spectacular chocolate mousse 鈥�

The verdict

Steve 鈥淚 have to say the soup was slightly tasteless. But the lamb was succulent, it melted in the mouth. The chocolate mousse was delicious, but the sort of thing you can only handle when you鈥檙e 20 鈥� it was so rich!

鈥淩ichard and Wan were warm, welcoming and unpretentious hosts. And they were brilliant at topping up my wine.鈥� 8.5/10

Rupert 鈥淭he soup was definitely the best course 鈥� it had obviously seen hotter days, but it tasted very good. The main course was workmanlike 鈥� hang on, that sounds awful 鈥� let鈥檚 just say I would not like to criticise it nor lavish praise upon it. It was solid 鈥� The dessert 鈥� some felt it was too generous, too rich. I saw it rather as a challenge that I had to overcome, and I succeeded.

鈥淩ichard and Wan were fantastically welcoming. Their place is lovely. I particularly like the pig doorstop. I was not entirely convinced about the poet. Let鈥檚 say I was happier when he wasn鈥檛 there as I liked my fellow diners鈥� company better.鈥� 9/10

Isabel 鈥淭he soup was really yummy. It had real depth of flavour. The main was good but it had too many similar, soft textures for me. The chocolate mousse was a killer. It tasted good but I didn鈥檛 want to eat too much of it. To be polite I ate it all though. 7.5/10

Monday

Host Rupert Choat
Location Cameron McKenna鈥檚 hospitality lounge 鈥� a tasteful but ultimately corporate dining room above its offices in Aldersgate Street
Mystery judge Rudi Klein, barrister and chief executive of the Specialist Engineering Contractors Group
Extra guests None that actually get to eat, but there鈥檚 a small army of chefs, waiters and waitresses

Rupert鈥檚 first task, as the guests arrive at Cameron McKenna鈥檚 headquarters, is not to pour the cheekily named Ki(e)r Royale cocktails that kick off his construction themed menu. No, as you would expect given the venue, Rupert has people for that. Instead, he must vigorously defend his right to host the meal at his office, rather than his home (assuming he has one). 鈥淚鈥檓 merely subcontracting, in the best traditions of the industry!鈥� he protests. 鈥淚鈥檓 getting people who are good at this sort of thing to help me out, so I can concentrate on the parts of the evening I do best.鈥�

Quite what these latent dinner party skills are is still to be revealed, as a waitress rushes past and whispers that she鈥檚 made a slight alteration to the menu. 黑洞社区, for the sake of accuracy, questions Choat as to the detail. 鈥淚 have no idea,鈥� he confesses, glancing around wildly. 鈥淓rrr, hang on 鈥︹��

He darts behind the giant Jenga tower looming in the corner for a hurried consultation over the style of potatoes.

Leaving aside the question of Rupert鈥檚 personal involvement in the cooking, it has to be said he鈥檚 made a valiant effort in designing the menu. The Crossrail themed starter, a duck roulade, is indeed a feat of engineering. It鈥檚 perhaps even a bit too progressive for Rudi, who recalls far more traditional Christmases. 鈥淚 remember my dad cutting the head off a turkey,鈥� he says cheerfully, as the other guests furiously dig their way through the tunnels.

As Isabel calls for the corporate lighting to be turned down 鈥� a request that prompts a flurry of activity from Rupert鈥檚 鈥渉elpers鈥� 鈥� conversation turns to the music playing in the background. 鈥淚t鈥檚 Chopin,鈥� says Rupert proudly, who has at least brought his own CDs.

The Leaning Tower of Pisa duly arrives, and Isabel begins to probe the guests about their Christmas gift intentions 鈥� 鈥淵ou guys already have pretty much everything.鈥� Not so, it seems 鈥� Richard is very excited about his gift to partner Wan this year. 鈥淏ecause it鈥檚 the credit crunch, we鈥檙e buying practical presents. She鈥檚 getting a food processor. And,鈥� he adds, leaning forward to emphasise his point, 鈥渨e鈥檙e getting a free glass bowl with it, for ordering before 31 December.鈥�

As the other guests struggle to absorb the enormity of such a gesture, Rupert gets up to change the CD. But rather than another Chopin, he makes the bizarre decision to introduce the Best of the Eighties 鈥� a three-volume set that he may or may not have picked up from a street market in an effort to make himself look down to earth.

As the Millennium Dome materialises before us in sugar-coated form, Rudi and Richard pick that moment to reveal themselves as former Masons. 鈥淒o you walk around naked with stags on your head, like druids?鈥� queries Isabel, aghast.

In a desperate move to change the subject, Rupert finally reveals what he has been doing to contribute to the meal 鈥� he鈥檚 devised the party games. With frightening enthusiasm, he produces a wad of Post-it notes with construction-themed people or things written on them, and sticks them to the foreheads of his protesting guests, who must guess their characters. Isabel at least is familiar with the game. 鈥淩ound where I live, we play it with Rizlas.鈥� Rudi winces. 鈥淎nd they want them back afterwards, I presume?鈥�

鈥淒id I commission the pyramids?鈥� asks Richard warily. In the event, Rupert is the one who struggles most with the game 鈥� Isabel has assigned him his character, and it鈥檚 Bob the Builder. Fifteen minutes into the game he鈥檚 still stumped: 鈥淚鈥檓 tangible, British and kind of dead 鈥︹��

Thankfully, he鈥檚 put out of his misery before 黑洞社区 has to guess its second post-it incarnation 鈥� Japanese knotweed 鈥�

With the eighties disco now truly pumping (although in a very corporate sense) it鈥檚 over to the giant Jenga. And it鈥檚 there that the evening gets a bit hazy, which, given that our host has started celebrating the removal of each brick with some mean dance moves, is probably a good thing鈥�.

The verdict

Rudi Crossrail was a valiant attempt at giving an impression of a train going through a tunnel, although when I looked at it I thought it was a wooden log flying down a flume at a theme park. The second course was less of a challenge 鈥� provided you got a really excellent piece of meat (which he did) you鈥檇 be able to turn it out. The desert, for presentation, goes up in my esteem, but as far as the taste was concerned it was a little disappointing. 6/10

Isabel I liked the engineering of the first course, particularly that cheeky tomato. The main course was beautiful, though he should have gone for a UK-based tower 鈥� we have some now. A non-leaning one. The desert was very kitsch 鈥� good but odd 鈥� but sponge and hard sugar is a strange hybrid, and I鈥檓 not sure it worked (although I did enjoy Rupert鈥檚 description of how he supposedly 鈥渃ooked鈥� the sugar). There were good eighties tunes and good banter, but I鈥檓 going to have to take points off him for not preparing his own food. If he鈥檇 cooked, he鈥檇 have got 8. 6.5/10

Richard (sounding suspiciously like the X-Factor鈥檚 Danni Minogue 鈥�) It鈥檚 been a very pleasant evening of corporate hospitality, but is that Come Dine with Me? Well, this wasn鈥檛 in Rupert鈥檚 home. Rupert has been a charming host, but I have to say a bit slow on pouring the drinks 鈥� he hasn鈥檛 poured the wine or even chosen the wine. And one has to ask why he hasn鈥檛 cooked round his place in Hampstead. He could have given his wife 拢10, she could have gone shopping 鈥� 6/10

Wednesday

Host Isabel McAllister
Location Isabel鈥檚 small but perfectly formed terraced house in Walthamstow, E17 鈥� where Rupert is astonished to discover the band East 17 were actually from
Mystery judge Graham Watts, chief executive of Construction Industry Council
Extra guests Kate from Cyril Sweett鈥檚 marketing department, Isabel鈥檚 sister Vicky

The third dinner on Come Dine With Me is customarily a lavish feast of backhanded compliments, faint praise and seething resentment, with the occasional flaming row to spice things up. So it鈥檚 good to see Richard getting a bit of bitching in before late-comer Rupert arrives. The subject is still Rupert鈥檚 use of Cameron McKenna鈥檚 corporate flat and caterers the previous Monday. 鈥淚t was like sitting in the business class lounge at an airport,鈥� he begins. 鈥淲e were served really nice fillet steak by a caterer. That鈥檚 not what Come Dine With Me is about.鈥� But then, Richard himself had waitresses (and an au pair for his pets). 鈥淚 did have eight people!鈥�

Isabel seems to have put in the most impressive effort. Although she鈥檚 brought in her sister and Cyril Sweett鈥檚 marketing manager to help with the last-minute chopping (鈥渨hile I was frantically hoovering鈥�), she was up until 1am the night before cooking the starter and main course, and got up at the crack of dawn to assemble the pud. She has done a hard day鈥檚 sustainability consulting in the meantime, and does seem a little frazzled.

Isabel requested the guests wear something sparkly 鈥� Richard has risen gallantly to the occasion. He disappears upstairs immediately on arrival from the office and returns in his civvies 鈥� a startlingly trendy longsleeved T-shirt with a tie-dyed pattern, gothic script and lashings of silver studs, worn with jeans and black deck shoes also decorated with silver studs. It鈥檚 a top effort, and Graham is left feeling a little bit dowdy. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 know,鈥� he protests. It cuts no ice with Isabel: 鈥淚 may have to find something sparkly for you,鈥� she says sternly.

Isabel鈥檚 starter is, she says, a high-risk strategy. Ceviche is originally a Peruvian dish, in which raw fish is cooked only in the acidity of lime juice. 鈥淚 love it, but it鈥檚 not for everyone.鈥� She鈥檚 more confident about her main course. 鈥淚t鈥檚 a winner.鈥� Has she cooked it often? 鈥淣ever. But I鈥檝e just tasted it.鈥�

Challenging though the starter is, it goes down a treat. Actually, the bigger problem is assembling the tacos in such a way that the marinade doesn鈥檛 run down your arms 鈥� as Graham discovers to his cost. The fish is cod 鈥� appropriately-fished cod, of course.

Is there not a possible carbon issue with a meal inspired by south and central American cooking, enquires 黑洞社区. 鈥淭here would never be a carbon issue with anything I do,鈥� declares Isabel. 鈥淚t is very hard to pick me up on that. I fly once a year, with the best possible offsetting, I take the train to Europe no matter how long it takes. I don鈥檛 have a car.鈥� She disappears into the kitchen before we can probe her further.

While we wait for the chilli, Isabel takes the opportunity to fill some glaring holes in Rupert鈥檚 knowledge of popular music. She lays on the table a selection of albums currently doing well in the charts. 鈥淚f you haven鈥檛 heard of any of these, I鈥檓 going to be seriously worried.鈥� Rupert, tonight wearing a red-tinsel boa, seems to struggle, but then: 鈥淚 recognise Estelle! Is she the one with the eye patch? 鈥� I like a bit of Elbow, it鈥檚 got a bit of thrust to it 鈥� Ah, I鈥檝e heard of Kasabian. I鈥檝e no idea who or what they are but let鈥檚 give it a spin. Spin that disc!鈥� What does he think? 鈥淰ery agreeable!鈥�

Isabel does not own wine glasses because they get broken, so she offers a choice of beakers with cartoon characters on them. As the sustainably sourced wine flows, Richard takes the bull, in this case Rupert, by the horns. 鈥淐an I ask you a personal question? Why couldn鈥檛 we come to your house?鈥�

Speculation mounts as to whether he actually has a house. But according to Isabel, who shared a taxi with him last Friday, it鈥檚 one of those mansions by Hampstead tube.

OCD then? Could he not stand the mess? Richard wonders if his new Russian wife is too beautiful.

鈥淚 do live in Hampstead and I have a beautiful wife,鈥� admits Rupert at last. 鈥淏ut I鈥檓 not the best host, and neither鈥檚 my wife. I can鈥檛 cook that well, and it was quite short notice 鈥� Anyway, it鈥檚 Come Dine With Me, not Come And Eat My Food!鈥�

Richard isn鈥檛 letting him off that easily: 鈥淐ould we all come up to your house at the end of January? Would that give you enough notice?鈥� It looks like a date.

When it finally arrives, the chilli is also very popular, a fantastically rich, smoky concoction of beef and chorizo, courtesy of Nigella Lawson, accompanied by jacket potato skins with bacon and cheese. But only Graham among the judges can handle seconds. He鈥檚 increasingly pleased his dinner with the Cementitious Slag Makers Association was cancelled, even after Isabel fetches a sparkly scarf for him to wear.

The chocolate lime cheesecake is meltingly smooth and polished off in seconds, though Rupert has an accident with Isabel鈥檚 improvised cream jug, drowning his slice in most of the contents of the Asterix glass. And with that, there鈥檚 nothing left to do but give their verdicts and choose a winner鈥�.

The verdict

Graham I can鈥檛 think of anything bad to say. I was the first to arrive and it was a little bit chaotic, but I was so bang on half seven, I had to walk up and down the street a few times first. Isabel is a very attentive hostess and she made sure her guests got lots to drink, and the food was pretty faultless. And the fact that she was up until 1am cooking and then up again at six in the morning is above and beyond the call of 黑洞社区. It鈥檚 been a really, really, really good evening.10/10

Richard It was a really nice evening, I thought she was really brilliant, and really good fun. Being absolutely honest, if I had to find a criticism, it wasn鈥檛 totally sophisticated. It was really at home with Isabel. I thought the chilli was very nice, and it wasn鈥檛 too chocolatey 鈥� I was a bit worried when I saw the menu. It was good hearty food. The cheesecake was scrummy. It was just a pity that Rupert nicked all the cream. 7.5/10

Rupert I thought the starter was surprisingly delicious 鈥� I didn鈥檛 expect that from a Peruvian dish. The main was very tasty, very filling and it complemented the starter well. The dessert I wasn鈥檛 so impressed by 鈥� I鈥檓 not such a big cheesecake fan, but that鈥檚 just bad luck. It was a fine dessert and I will bow to other people鈥檚 views. I knew I was going to make a cock-up with the cream. It鈥檚 been such a good thing to get to know people 鈥� a really good lead up to Christmas. I鈥檓 looking forward to seeing the guys again. 8/10

So there it is. A victory for home cooking over corporate hospitality, Walthamstow over the City, and proper music over eighties disco and performance poetry. Rupert danced, Richard sparkled, and Graham got to forget all about cementitious slag makers. Oh, and nobody was poisoned.

To watch a video of Rupert Choat's evening, .