黑洞社区

Quentin Shears, 48, is a partner in a small Hertfordshire-based quantity surveyor, which last week was subsumed into The Gator Corporation, a US construction giant with plans for European expansion. A source close to the talks explained that, as 鈥渢hings are kicking off a bit on the Continent鈥�, the fact that nothing eventful had ever happened in Hertfordshire was a significant reason behind the takeover.

Following several recent run-ins with the local architectural community, Quentin has been encouraged to write a 鈥渇rustration diary鈥�, excerpts from which he has kindly agreed to share with 黑洞社区.

We are now a week into the 鈥渙nboarding鈥� process and I haven鈥檛 slept for four days, my hands are shaking and my left eyelid won鈥檛 stop twitching. Onboarding, it turns out, is not a CIA interrogation technique, but a means of acclimatising us to a more American way of doing things. My problem has nothing to do with cultural differences though - it鈥檚 the coffee. There is no situation with these people that isn鈥檛 accompanied by a vat of Americano. I鈥檓 consuming about eight litres a day just to be polite.

So when John Getz Jnr, the head of Gator鈥檚 Asia, Africa, South America and Europe division, knocked on my office door and suggested we 鈥渨alk and talk鈥� - normally an either/or thing for me - I literally leapt at the chance to shake off my fourth caffeine rush of the morning.

鈥淨uentin, I just wanted to -鈥� John Jr began, then was cut off mid-stride by the fact that we had run out of office to walk down. 鈥淛eez, can鈥檛 you guys get some more corridors? How do you make any decisions around here? C鈥檓on Quentin, let鈥檚 do a couple of laps of the car park. We can grab a coffee on the way.鈥�

As one of the old hands in the office, I am being used as Gator鈥檚 eyes and ears to gauge how the 鈥渢ransitioneering鈥� programme is going. But the thing is, everything about these Americans already seems eerily familiar. I鈥檓 just not sure why.

鈥淪o Quentin, how are you finding us real-life Yanks?鈥� John Jr asked, as we ducked into the staff room for refuelling. 鈥淗ell, I sometimes think you Brits just expect us all to be stereotypes from TV shows.鈥� He flashed a thousand-watt grin. 鈥淎nything to dialogue from your end of the transitioneering interface?鈥�

Although that new IT guy you brought over, the so-called genius with the walking cane and the team of glamorous assistants, can be a bit rude

鈥淣ot really,鈥� I replied, nodding hello to Ross and Rachel, two of the younger Gator consultants, who were sipping lattes on the enormous new sofa that has appeared in the middle of the room. 鈥淎lthough that new IT guy you brought over, the so-called genius with the walking cane and the team of glamorous assistants, can be a bit rude.鈥�

鈥淗e鈥檚 a maverick, Quentin. But he gets results.鈥�

鈥淚 suppose he did fix that photocopier that prints everything out backwards. Apparently the only previously known case was in west Africa in 1974.鈥�

鈥淓xactly. Now I want you to meet with our marketing team - Carrie, Samantha and the other two. We need to talk rebranding. You鈥檝e got a brunch meeting scheduled for three.鈥�

鈥淚sn鈥檛 that a bit late for brunch?鈥�

鈥淭hey like to do brunch at least three times a day. It鈥檚 okay, they don鈥檛 actually eat anything. I should warn you though, they鈥檙e quite 鈥� feisty. I sent one of your younger guys down there yesterday to try to explain quantity surveying to them and he filed a sexual harassment suit.鈥�

I arrive at Miriam鈥檚 Tea Room on the High Street at ten to three, but the marketing team are already there, just finishing off their previous brunch. 鈥淪o Quentin,鈥� purrs Carrie, putting a friendly hand on my thigh as I sit down with a cup of weak, decaffeinated tea, 鈥測ou look like you know good quantity surveying. Tell me all about it鈥︹��

My other eyelid begins to throb 鈥�

As read by Nick Jones