黑洞社区

The frame blame game

Here鈥檚 a personal take on the intricacies of Procure 21, courtesy of a source close to one of the more successful framework contractors. Our man takes the view that the reason some firms are complaining about Procure 21 is not because the system is flawed but because they haven鈥檛 got their bids right. 鈥淭he reason all these guys are complaining is because otherwise they鈥檇 have to go back to their main board of directors and say, 鈥楾he reason we haven鈥檛 got any work is because we鈥檙e a load of shit鈥�.鈥� Well, when you put it like that 鈥�

Move over, Donald Rumsfeld

Despite Multiplex鈥檚 recent announcement that its Wembley losses are to grow further, a well placed source assures me that the project is still on course. 鈥淭he stadium will be ready in time for the FA Cup final,鈥� he said confidently 鈥� before adding: 鈥淏ut it depends on what you mean by 鈥榬eady鈥�. In construction terms it probably won鈥檛 be ready 鈥� well, finished 鈥� if you know what I mean. It鈥檒l be ready to host the final, but it probably won鈥檛 be entirely finished. For example it has hundreds of toilets, and they may not all be completed. You鈥檒l be able to use them 鈥� so they鈥檒l be ready, but they won鈥檛 be finished, if you know what I mean.鈥� Erm, not entirely, but I鈥檓 sure the FA鈥檚 lawyers do.

Now that鈥檚 what I call music 鈥�

So it seems that Neil Morrissey鈥檚 elegantly wrought pop classic Bob the Builder 鈥� Can We Fix It? is not the last word in construction-related chartbusters. If you don鈥檛 avidly tune in to Top of the Pops each week, may have escaped The JCB Song, a number one brought to you courtesy of Nizlopi, a young duo from the mean streets of Leamington Spa. Celebrating the JCB digger and including such lines as 鈥淚鈥檓 Luke, I鈥檓 five and my dad鈥檚 Bruce Lee, he drives me round in his JCB鈥�, the ditty was very much the soundtrack to Hansom鈥檚 Christmas. Rumours that Sir Michael Latham penned the hit as part of the latest CITB-ConstructionSkills youth recruitment campaign have yet to be confirmed.

This gun for hire

Did Skanska help out with a school鈥檚 Christmas play this year? Oh yes it did! The kids at Eltham Green Specialist Sports College put on a rather jolly production of Bugsy Malone over the festive period, but it would not have been nearly so much fun without Skanska鈥檚 help. In the programme鈥檚 鈥渢hank you鈥� list, the following entry was placed under costumes and props: 鈥淪kanska Construction 鈥� GUNS.鈥� That鈥檚 the way to reintroduce respect into our schools 鈥�

The political hothouse

To the Federation of Master Builders鈥� Christmas ball and, after the dancing girls and the Shirley Bassey impersonator had finished their routines, it was time for London regional president Nigel Pound to step up for his big speech. Thanking one prominent Tory councillor for his attendance, Pound mistakenly called his guest a 鈥渃onservatory councillor鈥�. Perhaps he was thinking about his latest planning application?

A whole lot of competence

Struggling to think of something to spend those Christmas book tokens on? Well, struggle no longer. The Institute of Plumbing and Heating Engineering has finally published its illustrated history, One Hundred Years of Competence and Commitment. Not exactly Gabriel Garc铆a M谩rquez鈥檚 One Hundred Years of Solitude in its scope and ambition, but then Snr M谩rquez鈥檚 masterwork doesn鈥檛 include a photo of Jill Frogley, 鈥淢iss Plumber鈥檚 Mate of 1966鈥�.

Dressed to impress

News reaches me that accountants at one industry institute became increasingly concerned during the festive season over the issue of whether its leader should wear his regalia of office to seasonal functions. Apparently, if the full attire is worn, its value tops 拢100,000. With the president decked out in more bling than J-Lo, it鈥檚 not surprising that the bean counters were more than a little apprehensive about him staggering drunkenly onto the dance floor to give Merry Christmas Everybody his all.