黑洞社区

Come again?

Costain last week announced a distinctly not-so-smart set of results from the self-styled smart infrastructure solutions provider. Shame their top brass weren鈥檛 on hand to explain the slump into the red to shareholders and why it needed them to stump up 拢100m in a rights issue. Still, those doubting the strategy can no doubt be reassured by this comment from chief executive Alex Vaughan which accompanied the bad news: 鈥淥ur Leading Edge strategy aligns our activities to meet our clients鈥� changing needs, supporting a step change in our programme delivery performance and an acceleration in the deployment of our higher margin activities.鈥� Perhaps this strategy could be broadened to include speaking in plain English.

The night shift

London mayoral hopeful Rory Stewart said he had slept in 50 different homes as part of his 鈥渃ome kip with me鈥� campaign. An impressive effort, considering he had only launched the campaign 27 days before he made the claim in the middle of last month, meaning he has slept in almost two separate homes a night. Now coronavirus has postponed the election for a year, at that rate Stewart will have had time to sleep in at least another 750 homes before voters go to the polls.

Define your terms

I was shocked to discover last week that just 40% of new homes built through the government鈥檚 Home 黑洞社区 Fund were classed as 鈥渁dditional鈥� homes, and just as impressed by John Healey, Labour鈥檚 shadow housing secretary, for drawing attention to the issue in a parliamentary question to housing minister Chris Pincher. But just to make sure it really was shocking, my hack called up Healey鈥檚 office to check exactly what the term 鈥渁dditional鈥� meant. It turned out that not even Healey鈥檚 team knew the answer to that. 鈥淚t鈥檚 a bit hazy,鈥� admitted one of his staff.

Walking the talk

Was chancellor of the exchequer Rishi Sunak channelling his inner Bob the Builder in his Budget speech last week? I only ask because at various points throughout his speech Sunak broke into a spate of Bob-style chanting. Listing the government鈥檚 key promises 鈥� seven in all 鈥� the chancellor enthusiastically called out 鈥淭his Budget gets it done!鈥� each time. But what I want to know is: can he actually do it? 

Lost in translation

Using an online transcription service to convert recordings of lengthy meetings into text is a godsend for any under-the-cosh journalist, yet such tools often throw up the odd anomaly. Scrolling through one transcribed document last week, one of my hacks was amused to find that the phrase 鈥渆mbodied carbon鈥� had 鈥� somewhat ironically 鈥� been translated into 鈥渆xotic cars鈥�.

Mama mia!

An unfortunately timed email on behalf of Italian kitchen manufacturer Officine Gullo comes through telling me all about its products. 鈥淭hese kitchens demonstrate the very best of Italian manufacturing, technology and style,鈥� the press release said. Alas, the official launch in London this week was cancelled. As they say in Italy, Basta! As we say in empty UK supermarkets: 鈥淲here鈥檚 the pasta?鈥�

Spread the word

鈥淗ere鈥檚 a thought,鈥� one wag in the office wondered out loud. 鈥淎re we allowed to say 鈥榠t鈥檚 gone viral鈥� at the moment?鈥�