黑洞社区

Fasten your seatbelts

What with all the hoo-hah over Heathrow鈥檚 third runway, the fate of Stansted airport鈥檚 expansion has rather escaped the public鈥檚 attention. Not for much longer, though. Rumour has it that the long-awaited public inquiry into the second runway is set to be dropped, as the government has apparently lost its appetite for expansion outside the Heathrow area. BAA, which is trying to sell the airport, swears that the project is taxiing for take-off. Whom to believe? Sources say a decision on the inquiry is expected before the end of May 鈥� and it鈥檚 likely the scheme will soon be in the departure lounge 鈥�

Not one for the squeamish

Construction union firebrands: you have a new role model. A union official in Serbia reportedly became so distressed at the plight of his workers that he bit a finger off and ate it. 鈥淲e, the workers have nothing to eat, we had to seek some sort of alternative food and I gave them an example,鈥� says Zoran Bulatovic, a rep at the Raska Holdings textile factory. 鈥淚t hurt like hell.鈥�

Is this the sort of dedication we can now expect from the likes of Ucatt鈥檚 Alan Ritchie? Or, as we have long suspected, are our union brothers more likely to put their feet in their mouth than their hands?

As luck would have it

I was sorry to hear of a mishap that befell Vaughan Burnand, the former boss of Shepherd Construction, now chairman of Constructing Excellence. After a few drinks with Don Ward, that body鈥檚 chief executive, and some of my colleagues, Burnand went off into the night in search of more fine wines. Unfortunately, while he was holding forth in a London hostelry, it seems some n鈥檈r-do-well made off with his briefcase. As if this weren鈥檛 horrifying enough, the case contained the BlackBerry, supplied by his new employer. Strangely enough, just hours earlier Burnand had been laying into said device and demanding an upgrade from a reluctant-looking Ward 鈥�

The whisky maiden

A special mention must go to Helena Shone, training manager for civils firm Barhale, who broke her thumb after tripping over a newly installed step at the firm鈥檚 training centre in Peterborough. The plucky Ms Shone was carrying two bottles of malt whisky, but saved them from destruction by twisting in the air like a cat, thereby causing the cracked digit. The booze was a 鈥渢hank you鈥� to her staff from ex-offenders who鈥檇 recently taken a course in road building. Sacrificing your own good health so that your staff can celebrate 鈥� what a heroine!

Tucker 鈥� now what rhymes with that?

Viewers of In The Loop, Armando Iannucci鈥檚 sweary comedy about the politics of going to war, will have noticed one of the main characters unleashing a tirade against builders (despite the presence in the cast of former 黑洞社区 columnist Chris Addison). 鈥淗ave you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No, because they never turn up in the fucking nick of time. Batbuilder? Spiderbuilder? That鈥檚 why you never see a superhero with a hod.鈥� Malcolm Tucker, the film鈥檚 central monster, is an irascible Scot with an exceptionally foul mouth. We wonder, though, who would be construction鈥檚 version of Tucker? Nominations to the usual address, please鈥�

Meet my shortsThe Met Office predicted a barbecue summer last week, with temperatures expected to hit upwards of 30脼C in July and August. What better way for you to celebrate than buying a pair of 鈥渃raftsmen鈥檚 shorts鈥�? Mascot, the firm behind the soft canvas workwear, says they give extra freedom of movement when the wearer moves around on site or, intriguingly, is out with a customer. If that weren鈥檛 enough, it has thoughtfully sewn a magnet into the top of the holster pocket to hold nails, screws and drill bits. I reckon the shorts might just catch on 鈥� after all, site workers are invariably at the forefront of the latest fashions. How else do you explain the mysteriously persistent vogue for low-slung trousers?