黑洞社区

The Foreign Office鈥檚 embassy-building programme has come under attack from our friends in HM Treasury because some buildings are 10% over budget. We construction professionals instinctively flinch when we hear this, but at least there鈥檚 a building at the end, which is more than you can say for the 拢12.7bn project to give the NHS a new IT system. Alistair Darling told us in December that this might be scrapped.

When the Treasury steps in to show us how to deliver buildings, I hope they don鈥檛 rely on the procurement technique demonstrated by a former client of mine. 鈥淭reasury鈥� as I called him, was a big shot in Ministry of Defence procurement. When I saw his HM Treasury platinum Visa card I said: 鈥淚 suppose you can buy a Ferrari with that.鈥�

鈥淚 can buy a Challenger tank with it,鈥� was the smug reply.

Mr Treasury had recently returned to England and had decided to buy a flat in the listed block where he鈥檇 been renting. A builder who had just refurbished one for his neighbour recommended me. I told him that as he was in a hurry, we should negotiate a tender with the same builder.

Treasury told me what he wanted and I said it would cost about 拢80k, or about 20% of what he鈥檇 paid, which is what people generally spend to remodel a flat like that. He said: 鈥淚 only want to spend 拢50k, and I鈥檝e been told I can get it done for that.

鈥淲ell, we鈥檒l get it priced up and then we鈥檇 better decide what you can do without.鈥�

鈥淥h, I expect to have everything done.鈥�

I sketched out a schedule and it came to a little over 拢80k, with lots of provisional sums. My client then said he was off to Hong Kong for three weeks so we should get on with it and he鈥檇 work out what savings he wanted when he came back. 鈥淥h, and I鈥檇 like the lofts boarded out so we can store all our furniture in them. And I want those fold-up ladders. And you鈥檇 better insulate the lofts, too.鈥�

Three weeks passed; we heard nothing from Treasury. We鈥檇 done most of the plumbing but could get no further until he鈥檇 agreed the bathroom layouts. We thought we鈥檇 start on the wiring, and use up some of the provisional sums on the joinery.

He telephoned the day he returned. 鈥漈his place is a disgrace! Why haven鈥檛 you finished the bathrooms?鈥�

鈥淲ell, if you tell us what fittings and tiles you want, what you鈥檇 like on the floor 鈥� 鈥�

鈥淚 want a meeting here tomorrow morning, and I don鈥檛 want any builders present.鈥�

When I pitched up Treasury was pacing about the place like a demented polar bear. 鈥漌hat the hell is all this cabling everywhere? And these holes in the ceiling?鈥�

鈥淓r, that鈥檚 the first-fix wiring.鈥�

鈥淲ell, it鈥檚 too expensive. I鈥檓 getting someone else.鈥� Here we go. I said, fine, I鈥檇 get Pat to finish the wiring and the plumbing, tidy up and plaster round the structural alterations and leave Treasury with the finishes and the joinery.

The next time we met I found the whole place was full of chaps in grey jeans and check shirts. One of them said: 鈥楶lumpink not goot鈥�

鈥淟isten, I鈥檝e got someone to take over the plumbing and the wiring, but I want your men to do the joinery.鈥�

鈥淏ut that鈥檚 ridiculous. I mean the services are three-quarters finished, just choose some fittings and we can connect them.鈥�

鈥淲hen will the joinery be here?鈥�

鈥淎 few weeks. But apart from the stairs, you don鈥檛 need it. How much do you want to spend?鈥�

鈥淭hat is none of your business! I鈥檒l expect the joinery in three weeks.鈥�

The next time Treasury summoned me, the place was full of chaps in grey jeans and check shirts. One of them said: 鈥漃lumpink not goot. Vyrink not goot.鈥� Treasury glared at me. 鈥淚 told you your builder was incompetent.鈥�

鈥淚ncompetent? The work鈥檚 practically textbook. You鈥檝e just appointed a bunch of chancers hanging around B&Q!鈥�

鈥淭he man in Wickes assures me they are competent which is more than I can say for your builders.鈥�

鈥淢y builders? They were working for your friends. How much is this costing, anyway?鈥�

鈥淭hey are charging me time and materials. They assure me it鈥檚 the cheapest way.鈥�

鈥淵ou鈥檙e joking. I thought you were in a desperate hurry!鈥�

鈥淗ow dare you tell me what to do. I鈥檒l just have to do it myself.鈥�

鈥淏ut you鈥檝e got a young family and you鈥檙e never here and you can鈥檛 seem to make the simplest decisions. You鈥檝e completely lost control. This is madness. I mean, is this how you go about procuring helicopters?鈥� There was a long pause. Obviously it was exactly how he went about procuring helicopters.

The builder delivered the joinery and went off licking his wounds. I spent two years rebutting Treasury鈥檚 500 closely reasoned pages listing my shortcomings before I prised some money out of him. Meanwhile, the work was never finished. He鈥檚 still renting. And HM Treasury itself is going to take a bigger interest in construction. I can鈥檛 wait.