黑洞社区

Where the Pulp frontman sings longingly of his childhood crush (鈥淒eborah, do you recall?/Your house was very small/With woodchip on the wall鈥�), Louise wouldn鈥檛 have noticed them at all.

鈥淚 was in my parents鈥� spare room once, and I just lay there surrounded by all this woodchip,鈥� says Kanvas鈥� head of design. 鈥淚t was horrible. Even worse than Artexing.鈥� She shudders.

Disco 2000鈥檚 lyrical evocation of a long-anticipated meeting is, however, apt 鈥� the fact that 黑洞社区 is in the pub with Kanvas at all is a minor miracle. Having failed to sort out an evening date, we were due to hook up one lunchtime the week before we eventually meet. This was scuppered by the transport system, which stranded Andy in Letchworth.

I was in my parents鈥� spare room once, and I just lay there surrounded by all this woodchip. It was horrible. Worse than artexing

But now we鈥檝e finally made it to the The Distillers in Smithfield. 鈥淭he interior is in keeping with the building, so that鈥檚 good,鈥� says Mason, running a professional eye over the pub, which Andy has bravely described as 鈥淓ast End meets trendiness鈥�. The spirit of the Blitz is certainly alive 鈥� in a case of crunch hits lunch, 黑洞社区 has cheerfully presented its guests with three bucketfuls of chips 鈥� which turn out to be giant offcuts of potato. Get those carbs while you can.

Mason鈥檚 an expert commentator on the 鈥渂ad boy chips鈥� but, asked about how to improve the venue鈥檚 decor, he鈥檚 stumped. 鈥淚鈥檇 probably make it insipid.鈥� He鈥檚 in business development, and 鈥渋nsipid鈥� was a client鈥檚 verdict on an attempt he once made at design.

Louise has spotted a feature she likes: 鈥淐handelier, in the toilets鈥�, she says, mentally cataloguing. It could come in useful; she鈥檚 currently redecorating her eighth house, living in each as she does it up. Her last was a manor house, complete with a spa bathroom. Unfortunately, she鈥檚 now moved downmarket 鈥� 鈥渋n suburbia, with worst shower in the world.鈥�

鈥楥handelier, in the toilets鈥� Louise says, mentally cataloguing. It could come in useful

At least her own projects save her from the madness of clients: 鈥淥ne guy flew his wife over from India to supervise the colour scheme. She liked everything blue and orange. So if there was a blue chair, she鈥檇 say it needed an orange cushion. They flew her all this way to tell me that.鈥�

According to Louise, 鈥�90% of design is about memory鈥�. Andy is not to be outdone: 鈥淚 tried to recreate a Beatles album once.鈥� 鈥淲hat, musically?鈥� asks Mason, baffled. 鈥淣o, the picture. For a promotion. I鈥檝e also tried Argentina鈥檚 World Cup victory 鈥︹��

Not sure what to make of Andy鈥檚 budding artistic career, Mason starts showing phone pictures of his 鈥渂aby鈥� 鈥� a silver Porsche 911. It may not be environment-friendly but, as he says, it鈥檚 safer for him to stick to driving. Otherwise, he has a habit of falling over in a manner that Louise says 鈥渕akes him look like a stricken giraffe鈥�. Sadly, before this intriguing spectacle can materialise, it鈥檚 time to head off.