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Terms and conditions may not 鈥減rotect you, the customer鈥�. In fact, they can be packed with limitations. I am sitting here gawping at a page of small print terms and conditions. No, not because I鈥檓 getting paid to 鈥� this time I鈥檓 about to sign up to a contract for me. My affairs. And damn, I was ever so tempted just to sign and get things moving. I had to give myself a good talking to: 鈥淗ere you are Bingham, lawyer, barrister, disputomaniac, stealing yourself to read the plethora of small print.鈥�

Eventually I began to do what you should do, but don鈥檛. I began to read the tiny print, the clause headings, the subclauses, the exclusion clauses, the notwithstanding and the ifs and buts. 鈥淪od it,鈥� I said four times. Worse words I said five times. Worst of all, nobody was paying me to do all this!

And all that was for getting into contract with the outfit that 鈥渓ooked鈥� favourite. Fed up with them, I delved into their competitor. Hells bells, they had the same small print. So did a third outfit. They鈥檙e all members of the same trade association. So I phoned the association. Yes, by now I have my teeth into this. The consumer affairs officer told me these are the terms and conditions published 鈥渢o protect you, the customer鈥�.

Hey, wait a minute 鈥� the small print is heaving with limitation clauses: 鈥淲e limit our liability to threepence ha鈥檖enny for any one event鈥�. But we offer you an insurance policy to increase the liability, said the consumer affairs officer. In any case, he asked, what do you want instead? I want all the small print knocked out. Instead I simply want the Supply of Goods and Services Act and the common law. 鈥淭ricky,鈥� he said. We parted on good terms. 鈥淛ust ask our association members to omit the small print,鈥� he said. I did. And guess what they said 鈥� no chance. So, I鈥檓 still gawping ...